Amanda Baggs Controversy

I learned that the Amanda Baggs Controversy blog had been taken down so I copied the cache here.
Amanda Baggs Controversy
Update September 2009 *Photo-copies of witness's emails statements published below (click to enlarge) in section (1). Update October 2009 *Below in this report, links are provided to Amanda Baggs's Google-Group activity from 1994 (14 years old) onward. In response to the publication of this report, Amanda has removed some of the quoted calendar-links,and account names. Below is the start of a re-summary of the links and usernames. A new section in this report will be developed shortly. *To see many of the Google webpages, you must be logged-into a Google-mail (gmail) account, or, a Google-group account. *Account: http://groups.google.com/groups/profile?hl=en&show=more&enc_user=601yBhMAAAAE1VY_FX-xV92u0O0LeRIIWMj6vob75xS36mXc24h6ww&group=alt.support.dissociation&pli=1 *Account: http://groups.google.com/groups/profile?enc_user=zlsmERQAAAAuTyeTtEznhsJ1EvX_4Y8kqErCXa-CIiqlccej3woxEQ *Username: Galiganinda Dulin *1998 admittance by Amanda Baggs of username'Galiganinda Dulin' (7th paragraph below); also see discussion in this report, and testimony from 1994-1998 college friend Dr. Ophelia Austin-Small Ph.D. *1994 record of username: Amanda Baggs. Account for username 'Amanda Baggs'
v\:* {behavior:url(#default#VML);} o\:* {behavior:url(#default#VML);} w\:* {behavior:url(#default#VML);} .shape {behavior:url(#default#VML);}
st1\:*{behavior:url(#ieooui) }

1995:
Amanda Baggs at 15 years old (photos linked below) with now doctor Daniel Drucker shortly after both finished the 1995 school year at Simon’s Rock College. (Drucker’s testimony is provided in this report below). Drucker was a close friend and classmate of Amanda at this college for pre-college-age gifted students. Dr. Drucker, now a cognitive neuroscientist, testifies Amanda was verbally fluent, attended and actively participated in classes, had a boyfriend and many friendships, took an Arabic language class, played the flute, ate in the cafeteria many times a day, and, did not appear autistic, nor did she report she was autistic.
http://a.imagehost.org/0640/aaa.jpg
http://img22.yfrog.com/img22/1705/aaajiv.jpg
2007:
Amanda Baggs from 27 years old onward; photos and video linked below. As CNN senior producer Chris Gajilan stated about her interview with Amanda: "When I walk into her apartment, Amanda Baggs makes no eye contact. She doesn't come to the door or raise her hand to greet visitors. In fact, I'm having a hard time discerning whether she even knows I'm there. I say hello and introduce myself, but she remains silent, sitting at her desk, staring out the window, rocking slightly back and forth." She began publically presenting herself like this on YouTube in 2007 (below link), leading to her first media coverage by CNN in early 2007.
http://i31.tinypic.com/2ngtlxu.jpg
http://www.cbc.ca/national/images/video190/video190_amandabaggs.jpg
Google Images
YouTube Video self-taken by Amanda BaggsVisitors

WAU_map('dsrbnyb46qzj', 420, 210, 'green', 'default-blue')
(A) Introduction
(1) Several former Simon’s Rock College friends and classmates of Amanda Baggs' have come forward to CNN and others in light of Amanda’s 2007-2008 national media coverage to provide their observations of her from 1994-1995 (14-15yrs old), and for some continuing to 1998, at Simon’s Rock College and elsewhere, as fully verbally fluent, attended classes and was an active verbal participant in classes, had many friends and acquaintances and a boyfriend, made normal eye contact, did not “stim” (repetitive physical movements), played the flute, took an Arabic language course, ate in the cafeteria on a many times a day basis, etc.
(2) June 1997, Amanda’s public apology in the Google Dissociation Group about her 1995 DID (multiple personality disorder) diagnosis
(4) UPDATED Verifying Amanda’s Internet posts. Amanda Baggs' websites, blog, and public contact information.
(5) 1997, Amanda’s statement at the Google Depression/Manic Group
(6) 1999, Amanda’s statement about using different usernames in Google Group discussions (Dissociation Group, Schizophrenia Group, Depression/Manic Group, Autism Group).
(7) 1995, Amanda’s written account of her DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder; multiple personality disorder)
(8) 1996, Amanda’s schizophrenia account in her public journal
(9) 1997, further of Amanda’s Schizophrenia Group and Dissociation Group writing
(10) Amanda’s 12/7/1997 written account in the Schizophrenia Group of LSD use and psilocybin use, voices, medicine treatment, etc.
(11) October 2002, Amanda’s comments in the Google Autism Group that Stanford University Hospital diagnosed her with Factitious Disorder.
-Amanda’s rejection of Stanford University
-Indications of Factitious Disorder
-Amanda’s historical group posts from 1994 onward
-Amanda' view on which doctors are good and which bad, and her view on which of her diagnoses are right and which are wrong.
(12) 1/18/2007 Amanda’s self-taken video of herself along with a song recording playing, and written admittance by Amanda it is her voice in the song recording.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



(A) Introduction (top)
*In 1995, at 15 years old, and for considerable time (it’s believed about 1 year), Amanda Baggs publically claimed (to family, friends, acquaintances, doctors, and one (perhaps more) Internet discussion groups), and publically presented herself, as having Dissociative Identity Disorder, (formerly called ‘Multiple Personality Disorder’).
*From about 1996 through 1998, Amanda publically claimed and publically presented herself as having Schizophrenia.
*In June 1997, Amanda publically apologized for deceiving both herself, and others, with her claim of Dissociative Identity Disorder.
*In about 2000, at about 20 years old, she began publically claiming and publically presenting herself as having low functioning autism (profound non-verbal autism), though having the ability to communicate normally through typed-communication).
*In January 2007, she began publicizing her autism, and her typed-communication ability, through YouTube videos which she filmed and edited. In February 2007, the media company CNN became interested in Amanda due to her YouTube video, and did several written and television segments on her.
*In mid-2007, several former 1994-1995 classmates of hers from Simon’s Rock College stepped forward to CNN and on various Internet websites to express their confusion and shock at how Amanda was presenting herself. Each consistently testified to her being a relatively fully functioning student at 14-15 years old at Simon’s Rock College (which is a highly selective college for gifted pre-college-aged students). Each attests that she was a fluent verbal communicator, attended classes and took part in the class discussions at a normal level, ate in the cafeteria on a many times a day basis, was fully functional physically, had a boyfriend, had many friends and acquaintances, etc. Moreover, each attests to how she was not autistic in any sense, and that she never reported being autistic.
*Later in 1995, shortly before her withdrawal from Simon’s Rock College (SRC), several of her former SRC friends (one of which is now a neuroscientist, and another of which is now a Ph.D candidate in Psychology and has been a mental health professional for many years) attest to how she aggressively used LSD (Lysergic Acid Diethylamide) and psilocybin for about three months, and on a near daily basis. The SRC friends attest to how they observed her undergo psychotic behavior during and after this 3 month period, including exclaiming that she was an ‘elf’, digging in the school yard for what she believed to be a listening device implanted in the ground, suicide attempts and self-injurious behavior, aggression toward others, her report of auditory hallucinations and the witnessing of her behaving as if she was listening to and talking with auditory hallucinations, etc.
*Slowly since 2000, and especially after her national media coverage with CNN, she has become considered by many to be an “autism rights activist”.
*At this time, she lives in Burlington, Vermont with her partner Laura Tisonick.
* The following are some links to her various video presentations and media coverage.
CNN’a Chris Gajilan and Dr. Sanjay Gupta: "Gajilan, Chris" Chris.Gajilan@turner.com "Sanjay Gupta"
sanjay.gupta@cnn.com
CNN editors: Rena.Golden@turner.com, Mitch.Gelman@turner.com,David.Payne@turner.com
http://www.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/02/21/autism.amanda/index.html
http://www.cnn.com/HEALTH/blogs/paging.dr.gupta/2007/02/behind-veil-of-autism.html
http://www.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/02/22/autism.emails/index.html
* Amanda’s self taken and self edited video In My Language:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JnylM1hI2jc
Wired Magazine: writer: David Wolman david@david-wolman.com, editor Joanna Pearlstein
joannap@wiredmag.com, christina_valencia@wired.com, evan_hansen@wired.com,
leander_kahney@wired.com
http://www.wired.com/medtech/health/magazine/16-03/ff_autism
CNN’s Anderson Cooper, "Anderson Cooper" anderson.cooper@cnn.com
http://www.cnn.com/CNN/Programs/anderson.cooper.360/blog/2007/02/video-reveals-world-of-autistic-woman.html
http://www.cnn.com/CNN/Programs/anderson.cooper.360/blog/2007/02/why-we-should-listen-to-unusual-voices.html
http://www.cnn.com/CNN/Programs/anderson.cooper.360/blog/2007/02/amanda-baggs-answers-your-questions.html
NYT Blog: Tara Parker-Pope well@nytimes.com
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/02/28/the-language-of-autism/
=========================================================================
(1) (top) Several former 1994-1995 Simon’s Rock College friends and classmates of Amanda Baggs have come forward in light of what they saw and read in the widespread 2007-2008 national media coverage of Baggs, to provide their observations of Baggs in 1994-1995 at Simon’s Rock College; some witnesses continued their friendships with Baggs from 1995-1998.
Each consistently observed that Baggs (a) did not have any degree of the profound autism symptoms that she has been presenting publically (CNN, YouTube, etc) since 1997 at 26 years old (and apparently since about 2001), (b) that Baggs was a fluent verbal communicator, normally socially interactive (had ongoing friendships, took part in social activities such as eating in the cafeteria many times a day with other students, played the flute, took part in casual social gatherings with friends and others, had a boyfriend with whom she was sexually involved, was able to be self-sufficient in attending classes, eating, self-care, etc, was expressive emotionally through her gestures and tone of voice, made normal eye contact, etc), (c) that Baggs never reported to anyone that she was autistic or Asperger’s, (d) that in 1995 they witnessed her frequently using LSD (Lysergic Acid Diethylamide) and psilocybin, extensively for about three months, and that this caused various psychotic symptoms to arise, such as her claim to be an elf, her digging in a school yard for a listening device, self-harm behavior, reports of hearing voices, etc, and (e) some of her former friends were privy to her Internet group discussions, and were able to track the evolution of her various claims from 1995 onward, namely first her claim (it appears) of Dissociative Identity Disorder (see the relevant discussion in the Index above), then Schizophrenia, then Low Functioning Autism; and other claims as well such as Schizoaffective Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Depression, sexual abuse by two close family members, physical and mental abuse by health providers, etc.
The witnesses include the following; also please consult with Ophelia on any possible new people that have come forward.
Note: I also have extensive, detailed, and elaborate written email testimony from witnesses 1-4 that is available upon request.
1- Dr. Daniel Drucker, Ph.D (Dr. Drucker’s statement below)
http://3e.org/dmd/
http://upenn.academia.edu/DanielDrucker
ddrucker@psych.upenn.edu
Currently studying cognitive neuroscience at the University of Pennsylvania.
2- Dr. Ophelia Austin-Small, Ph.D (Dr. Austin-Small’s statement below)oaustinsmall@earthlink.net54B Valley Road Cos Cob, Connecticut, 06807 Telephone: 203-559-4839
Ophelia is an author, psycholgist, and has been a mental health professional for 11 years.
http://www.authorsden.com/opheliaaustinsmall
http://stores.lulu.com/oaustinsmall http://www.prleap.com/pr/78375/ (phone and email contact information below). http://www.e-physician.info/NPI-1740466895-CT Connecticut Psychologist National Provider Identifier (NPI) website for Ophelia Austin-Small (scroll down at page).
3- Bjorn-Erik Townsend (Bjorn’s statement below)
eriktown@3e.org
eriktown@aestheneering.com
http://www.aestheneering.com/
4- Rachel Bowen (statement to be copied below shortly)
Professor at Ohio State University
https://pro.osu.edu/profiles/bowen.208/
bowen.208@osu.edu
5- Kathleen Notestine Kasdorf Colorado State University, Propsect Research Coordinator http://search.colostate.edu/search-directory-detail.aspx?id=NzQyNDMyNjQ5 Email: kathleen.kasdorf@colostate.edu Telephone: 970-491-8572
http://www.linkedin.com/in/knotestinekasdorf 6- Possibly a current Simon’s Rock College teacher who also taught when Amanda attended there:
Gabriel Asfar gabriel@simons-rock.edu
1a- Daniel Drucker’s statement:
On Sat, Feb 9, 2008, Daniel Drucker <ddrucker@psych.upenn.edu> wrote:
She didn't appear or claim to be autistic in 1994-5, and in fact was brilliant, creative, had an active and healthy set of personal and romantic relationships and was not disabled in any way. Also, I wouldn't want to mention the heavy use of LSD (on the order of 200 mcg/day for many months).
When I visited Amanda in the hospital at Belmont Hills in 1995 (http://a.imagehost.org/0640/aaa.jpg ), she said she had "found the right home for my selves - the voices are in concert here, and people accept all of us here." (recorded in my notes, 1995/08).
Amanda was socially well-adjusted and a normal, functioning member of the community until she decided to change that.
She started with the DID [Dissociative Identity Disorder; formerly called ‘Multiple Personality Disorder’] nearly concomitantly with LSD abuse (i.e., early 1995). Records of this are readily available on Usenet archives at Google Groups, and in her extensive journal entries from the time on the topic which I possess.Click on the photo to enlarge.
2a- Ophelia Austin-Small’s statements:Click on the photos to enlarge.
> From: Ophelia Austin-Small <oaustinsmall@earthlink.net> > Date: September 25, 2007 12:23:39 AM PDT
>Bottom Line: I personally knew Amanda from 1994-1998, at college and personally. During >that time Amanda had a number of issues, but was highly verbal, physically capable, played >instruments, attended college independently, and attended to all daily life activities without aid, >support, or prompting. She had friends. She had romantic relationships. She & I went rock >climbing. She was your average young teen sci-fi fan girl. And now there's this. And the two >people do not match.
>Before we get into everything regarding Amanda & Dave, you should probably know my >background professionally and in regards to autism. I have my MA in psychology and am >working on my PhD. BTW, Daniel is getting his PhD in Neurology. I have 4 family members >with ASDs ranging from nonverbal very low functioning classic autism to Asperger's that's damn >near un-noticable. My son has neurological issues that are autistic-like on paper, such as head->banging, speech delay (very severe there for awhile), sensory issues, and gross motor issues. He >is not autistic or PPD though. And he is significantly better, to the point of being damn near >normal, thanks to medication (melatonin) that allows him to sleep, and therapy (speech, OT, and >a language-focused preschool 2 days a week).
> I'll respond to the other stuff later. But here's some history on > Amanda. Sorry if it isn't well-written, I'm pretty tired. PLEASE ONLY > QUOTE ME AS AN ANONYMOUS SOURCE. I live only about 15 miles from her > parents. I do not want the wild elf contingent at my door. I also > don't need a lawsuit right now, and I know she had a lawyer threaten > Daniel for talking to you just a few days ago. Although everything I'm > saying is true, I've lived through enough drama from her family to > last for years. > > Amanda was born in California and grew up in Campbell. She is the > youngest of three, Shane and Jeremy are her older brothers. It's > interesting that she links to Shane and mentions him a lot, as back in > the mid-90s she accused him of molestation and anal rape. He was even > not part of the family for awhile because of this. But now it seems he > is back in her good graces. While I don't really know Shane (he was > banned for the years I knew the family), I do know he was an odd duck, > and I wouldn't be surprised if he had Asperger's legitimately. He did > not smear feces. He was just really odd from everything I heard about > him. > > Jeremy was pretty normal. I have no idea where he is or why she never > mentions him. He wasn't exactly on board with the whole autism thing > back in 2001, so I don't know if there are issues there. > > Anyway, Amanda was considered bright, though a bit of a goody-goody by > everyone. The picture of her as a child on the Getting the Truth Out > site is VERY misleading. It's deliberately cropped to make her appear > to be staring into space on a couch. In actuality, she was watching > Star Trek. Not exactly as horrible as it appears, eh? She gardened a > lot with her mom and grew pumpkins. She had friends. She wore eighties > fashion and had big birthday parties. Where she smiled a lot and > played with the other kids. > > She attended Harker (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Harker_School) > for awhile in middle school, and this is the school she later insisted > had a mind control device buried in the field, and was picked up by > the police and hospitalized while trying to dig it up. She was 15 when > that happened. > > She went to CTY, the Johns Hopkins exceptional young scholar program. > Not exactly autism camp. She played the flute and the harp. > > She had no diagnosis at that time. She didn't go to a neurologist > until after a myriad of hospitalizations. > > She went to Simon's Rock in 1994, and was the youngest ever accepted > at that time. I was a sophomore there when she came, and Daniel was in > her class and one of her closest friends. She was normal, as I said. I > have the yearbook. She did okay in classes, but she did use an > exceptional amount of drugs, and when she went home for winter break, > her brother Jeremy commented that she seemed really messed up- dirty, > odd, etc. About this time she changed her name from Amanda to > Nightsong, which was her "elf name". Later it would include the > Galglinda Dulin bit, although for awhile she insisted Nightsong and > Galglinda were separate personalities, along with several others. > > Anyway, the summer of 1995 she called Daniel, threatening suicide. > Daniel called 911. That was her first hospitalization. She was at > Charter hospital in San Jose a few times, the psych ward at Lucille > Packard, some other place whose name I forgot, a residential home for > disturbed adolescents in Fresno for 8 months, and a few miscellaneous > places. She was never institutionalized. Her family paid $1000/day for > MONTHS, out of pocket. Her longest stay was 8 months, the rest were 72 > hour holds to 2 week holds, in private hospitals. Hardly state > institutions. Every time she was hospitalized it was because she was a > danger to herself or others due to hallucinations, suicide, delusions. > She'd also wander off at night. And attack cops. And try and jump out > of cars. The Ophelia you quote on your site from an email about this > stuff in 97 or so is me. Also, I lived with the family during this > time, from May 1997 until August 1997. I dated Jeremy from January > 1996 until mid 1998. > > She was repeatedly diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. > > Her mom was totally against this. Mom (Anna), totally had a meltdown > around it. Schizophrenia was just too bad. Mom began looking at weird > alternative things- prayer groups, some group of monks in the desert > that cured people who came to live with them, aura pictures (I'm > serious). > > That's when the "therapy animals" started. First it was dogs who'd > socialize with her. And a snake. I don't know what the snake was > supposed to do. The one dog that lasted the longest was named Nikomas. > > Then they brought in a neurologist. Soon after, with a little > suggestion, Amanda started having "Seizures." I'm a diagnosed > epileptic from childhood. Those were some fake-ass seizures. When you > seize, you fall over suddenly. You don't slump slowly and gracefully > to the ground, avoiding hurting yourself. But now, hey, she had > "seizures"- she wasn't schizophrenic! A little depakote and all would > be well! > > Except she was still crazy. And an elf. And heard voices. > > Amanda had decided, sans eye exam, that she was having "eye trouble." > Mom went right along. Did mom take her to Lenscrafters? Nope. They > just stocked up on glasses from the drugstore. Then the Irlen lenses > started (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Irlen_filters). And the "sensory > sensitivity". Amanda & her mom spent thousands on crap like special > sunglasses, brushes, special incense, etc etc etc. They figured all of > her crazy was just that Amanda was "too sensitive." > > Amanda started going to a special ed program, as a schizophrenic. Six > months in, she became a "peer buddy" to an autistic girl. That's when > the whole fascination with autism started. Amanda would comment that > the autistic kids were the only kids who didn't make fun of her, which > may well be true. So then she started hanging around with them, going > to their conferences, "learning" about autism, etc. She knew my > exboyfriend (who I later married) had an autistic sister, Sara. She > asked me interminable questions about Sara, and Sara's communication > devices. > > And lo and behold, a few years later she's autistic. A disorder that > by definition begins in toddlerhood suddenly struck her at 19. > > I don't know when she stopped talking, or why no one called her on it. > But I do know mom doctor shops a LOT. And that mom was notorious for > not mentioning parts of Amanda's history she found inconvenient, and > dropping doctors who disagreed with her. > > Amanda also had her own apartment in Santa Cruz for awhile. That's > also about the time she shaved her head, not because of hair pulling, > but because she decided she was a butch lesbian. > > I also know Amanda's whole "Regional Centers in California didn't help > me" line is bullshit. She has mentioned being part of SARC repeatedly, > and even has her IPP on her "scan of paperwork" page. So how she can > have that there, and then say the regional centers told her she didn't > qualify because a late diagnosis is beyond me. Her details aren't > working. > > That's all I know, up until late 2001. > > Anyway, I have a whole bunch of questions about this craziness from a > personal and professional standpoint. When and how did she get to > Vermont? That's my biggest one. When did she stop speaking? When did > she decide "hey, let me crap myself"? Where's mom now? > > The questions are actually a bigger email in a more professional tone, > because they point out some other issues from a diagnostic standpoint. > > Also, minor point, but she claims her "stamina" issues were due to > being underweight. Let me just say that the girl was never smaller > than voluptuous. And as to the mystery of her height, she's 5'1" or > 5'2". She is definitely not under 5', I don't know what that confusion > was about. > > I hope this helps.
> > Ophelia --------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Ophelia Austin-Small <oaustinsmall@earthlink.net> Date: January 6, 2008
This is what I know about Amanda: Amanda was born in California and grew up in Campbell. She is the youngest of three, Shane and Jeremy are her older brothers. It's interesting that she links to Shane. and mentions him a lot, as back in the mid-90s she accused him of some very untoward things. He was even not part of the family for awhile because of this. But now it seems he is back in her good graces. While I don't really know Shane (he was banned for the years I knew the family), I do know he was an odd duck, and I wouldn't be surprised if he had Asperger's legitimately. He did not smear feces. He was just really odd from everything I heard about him. Jeremy was pretty normal. I have no idea where he is or why she never mentions him. Anyway, Amanda was considered bright, though a bit of a goody-goody by everyone. The picture of her as a child on the Getting the Truth Out site is VERY misleading. It's deliberately cropped to make her appear to be staring into space on a couch. In actuality, she was watching Star Trek. She gardened a lot with her mom and grew pumpkins. She had friends. She wore eighties fashion and had big birthday parties. Where she smiled a lot and played with the other kids. She attended Harker (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Harker_School) for awhile in middle school, and this is the school she later insisted had a mind control device buried in the field, and was picked up by the police and hospitalized while trying to dig it up. She was 15 when that happened. She went to CTY, the Johns Hopkins exceptional young scholar program. Not exactly autism camp. She played the flute and the harp. She had no diagnosis at that time. She didn't go to a neurologist until after a myriad of hospitalizations. She went to Simon's Rock in 1994, and was the youngest ever accepted at that time. I was a sophomore there when she came, and Daniel Drucker was in her class and one of her closest friends. She was normal, as I said. And normal. She lived in a dorm, like everyone else, Crosby, to be specific. I have the yearbook. She went to classes, wrote papers, ate in the cafeteria, talked, danced, shat in the toilet, etc. She did okay in classes, but she did use an exceptional amount of drugs, and when she went home for winter break, her brother Jeremy commented that she seemed really messed up- dirty, odd, etc. About this time she changed her name from Amanda to Nightsong, which was her "elf name". Later it would include the Galglinda Dulin bit, although for awhile she insisted Nightsong and Galglinda were separate personalities, along with several others. While at SRC, Amanda dated, like any normal teen. By both her account and the account of her then-boyfriend, K [abbreviated for privacy], they were both consensually sexually active. This is also confirmed by other who walked in on her. Then the voices started, and the odd clothes, and the rest of the schizophrenia stuff. She believed she was an elf, mind control, that people poisoned her food, etc. She was involved with the cops several times, once when she was found digging in the back field of her former middle school, looking for a mind control device. She tried to jump out of the car I was in with her brother a few times, requiring restraint. Anyway, the summer of 1995 she called Daniel, threatening suicide. Daniel called 911. That was her first hospitalization. She was at Charter hospital in San Jose a few times, the psych ward at Lucille Packard, some other place whose name I forgot, a residential home for disturbed adolescents in Fresno for 8 months, and a few miscellaneous places. She was never institutionalized. Her longest stay was 8 months, the rest were 72 hour holds to 2 week holds, in private hospitals. Hardly state institutions. Every time she was hospitalized it was because she was a danger to herself or others due to hallucinations, suicide, delusions. She'd also wander off at night. And attack cops. And try and jump out of cars. The Ophelia sometimes quoted on various sites from an email about this stuff in 97 or so is me. Also, I lived with the family during this time, from May 1997 until August 1997. I dated Jeremy from January 1996 until mid 1998. She was repeatedly diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. She also was diagnosed as having Multiple Personality Disorder, and claimed her various names were alter personalities. This seems to have totally faded from her history, somehow, although if you look through old newsgroup records, she speaks extensively about it. Her mom was totally against this. Mom, totally had a meltdown around it. Schizophrenia was just too bad. Mom began looking at weird alternative things- prayer groups, some group of monks in the desert that cured people who came to live with them, aura pictures (I'm serious). That's when the "therapy animals" started. First it was dogs who'd socialize with her. And a snake. I don't know what the snake was supposed to do. Then they brought in a neurologist. Soon after, with a little suggestion, Amanda started having "Seizures." When you seize, you fall over suddenly. You don't slump slowly and gracefully to the ground, avoiding hurting yourself. But now, she had "seizures"- she wasn't schizophrenic! A little depakote and all would be well! I don't doubt she may be having genuine seizures now. Enough meds, especially serious ones, and the brain can start to fry. Except she was still crazy. And an elf. And heard voices. Amanda had decided, sans eye exam, that she was having "eye trouble." Mom went right along. Did mom take her to Lenscrafters? Nope. They just stocked up on glasses from the drugstore. Then the Irlen lenses started (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Irlen_filters%29. And the "sensory sensitivity". Amanda & her mom spent thousands on crap like special sunglasses, brushes, special incense, etc etc etc. They figured all of her problems were just that Amanda was "too sensitive." Amanda started going to a special ed program, as a schizophrenic. Six months in, she became a "peer buddy" to an autistic girl. That's when the whole fascination with autism started. Amanda would comment that the autistic kids were the only kids who didn't make fun of her, which may well be true. So then she started hanging around with them, going to their conferences, "learning" about autism, etc. And lo and behold, a few years later she's autistic. A disorder that by definition begins in toddlerhood suddenly struck her at 19. Her friend "Anna" told me Amanda stopped speaking by her own choice during a summer in Santa Barbara a few years back. Quote, "She just liked to talk by communicator. She had bought one for herself." Amanda also had her own apartment in Santa Cruz for awhile. That's also about the time she shaved her head, not because of hair pulling, but because she decided she was a butch lesbian. I also know Amanda's whole "Regional Centers in California didn't help me" line is highly suspect. She has mentioned being part of SARC repeatedly, and even has her IPP on her "scan of paperwork" page. So how she can have that there, and then say the regional centers told her she didn't qualify because a late diagnosis is beyond me. Her details aren't working. So that's what I know. Bottom Line: I personally knew Amanda from 1994-1998, at college and personally. During that time Amanda had a number of issues, but was highly verbal, physically capable, played instruments, attended college independently, and attended to all daily life activities without aid, support, or prompting. She had friends. She had romantic relationships. She & I went rock climbing. She was your average young teen sci-fi fan girl. And now there's this. And the two people do not match. I worry for her, I care about her, but I've been contacted by several people asking questions. I'd rather just put it on the record and let folks decide for themselves. Amanda deserves love, she deserves to lead a normal, healthy life. She does not deserve condemnation. She appears lost right now, and I don't think pretending she wasn't totally normal growing up will help her. I don't think pretending her past, including college, didn't exist will help her. I think something happened, and we need to go back to what is genuinely known to figure out what. It would be great if this ended with her getting appropriate treatment, not being ridiculed, dismissed, or ripped apart.
I'm pretty pissed, frankly. And I'll tell you why. Folks HAVE been trying to get out Amanda's backstory since it appeared on CNN. But who do we contact? Do I drop the dime to Vermont social services? Email CNN? To whom do I send my info, and how? I'm going on the record for several reasons: 1. It sickens me, as a professional and as a family member of autistic folks to see someone fake autism and bilk states out of funds for a long period. 2. I GENUINELY worry about Amanda. The woman I knew was sweet, kind, and had a tendency to "do as she was told." She wanted desperately to fit in and be loved. I think this is what the "autism" serves for her, and we must be *very* careful in broaching it. I do believe she is in need of serious, ongoing help, but of the psychiatric kind. I think she's lost. I think that faking something like this for so long suggests a very deep, very real need to be loved and cared for, and I don't think she could just "be normal", even if exposed. 3. I feel badly for families who have been sold false hope, decided on treatment, or become involved in political action based on a lie. This is abhorred. This also makes it MUCH harder for such families to get the right treatment for their children, and undermines trust in a community already full of a lot of debate. 4. Amanda and others have quoted email exchanges between myself and Amanda from 1997ish. If I'm going to be dragged in, I'd like my context to be known. My background: I am a 32 year old woman who holds a MSc in Psychology and am currently completing my PhD. I have an autistic sister-in-law, whom I have known for 16 years. I also have several other autistic family members. My son, now 3, had serious expressive language issues for a long time, and that frustration caused autistic-like behaviors such as self-biting, head-banging, and odd social behavior. He has recovered as his issues were with muscles and coordination, not autism. But suffice it to say I know very well what it is like to have disabled family members and children. Professionally I have worked in social services/counseling since 1995. I have worked the gamut from group homes, to private outpatient therapy, to inpatient units, to management. I have worked extensively with the DD/MR/autism community, most recently as the program manager for a company in California providing an alternative living model to GGRC clients (all dev. disabled), covering six counties, and worked with SARC and GGRC themselves. I also managed a day program in CT for DD/MR/autistic adults, doing paid work and activities. So when I talk about DD/MR/autism, I am pretty well-versed in diagnosis, treatment, etc. When I talk about the CA regional system, I am also pretty well experienced, having worked with them professionally and having a child who was a client.
From: Ophelia Austin-Small <oaustinsmall@earthlink.net> Date: September 12, 2008
Amanda was a normal teen during her time at SRC [Simon’s Rock College]. Amanda was a high achieving child and teen, without any of the deficits now noted. The discrepancy in functioning in an unfathomable gulf. *Something* must have happened. Stroke? Accident? Profound trauma? Autism doesn't strike in the teens, and it's not a cyclical illness with years of recovery whereby a person can attend college and "pass" for normal in an atmosphere of 300 people snowed in for months at a time.
3a- Bjorn-Erik Townsend’s statement, which is also in response to the above statements of Ophelia Austin-Small and Daniel Drucker:
---------- Forwarded message ---------- From: Bjorn-Erik Townsend <eriktown@aestheneering.com> Date: Thu, Feb 14, 2008 at 8:40 PM Subject: Re: Amanda Baggs controversy Thanks for getting in touch. The comments here echo things I've been saying to people I know ever since I saw Amanda's video. I haven't seen Amanda since she was, hmm, fifteen or sixteen years old, but I can definitely attest to the fact that while she was irresponsible and erratic, she was functional and capable of normal human communication. Most of her issues, from what I saw, resulted more from drastic abuse of hallucinogens, but even after that she was still functioning and able to interact normally when she wanted to. I'm happy to help in any way I can! Bjorn
============================================================== ===
(2) (top) June 1997, Amanda’s public apology in the Dissociation Group about her 2005 DID (multiple personality disorder) diagnosis. June 1997 her apology posts, and copies are below. http://groups.google.com/group/alt.support.dissociation/msg/7d5e909b8c10c9ba
http://groups.google.com/group/alt.support.dissociation/msg/6353b40fc1c79117
Galiganinda Dulin
Newsgroups: alt.support.dissociation
From: night...@netcom.com (Galiganinda Dulin)
Date: 1997/06/09
Subject: apology
Reply to author Forward Print Individual message Show original Report this message Find messages by this author
I used to post on this newsgroup maybe 2.5 years ago. I want to apologise for telling people that I was multiple. Now, that's actually what I thought I was at the time, but it turns out the voices weren't from MPD/DID, but from schizophrenia/schizoaffective/whatever. But I not only deceived myself by doing that, but I deceived others. I allowed the voices to take on lives of their own, gave them names, believed they were alters, even post what they said. I realise it probably isn't my fault, but I feel better posting an apology.
-- -- "My God!--it's full of stars!" Amanda Baggs (Dave Bowman) night...@netcom.com (Arthur C. Clarke's _2001_)
Galiganinda Dulin


Newsgroups: alt.support.dissociation
From: night...@netcom.com (Galiganinda Dulin)
Date: 1997/06/11
Subject: Re: apology
Reply to author Forward Print Individual message Show original Report this message Find messages by this author
In article ...@illusion.magicno.com>,
Rainbow Colors ...@magicno.com> wrote: >Well then I'm glad you apologized, so you would feel better. Have you >found any treatment that is helping with your problem? I'm glad you >finally were able to figure out what is happening and that you are >able to open with it like this. I figure this would be better than >letting it sit inside and be miserable.
>Is there a newsgroup you feel comfortable in now?
Yes, alt.support.schizophrenia does well...
>Whatever else, welcome back! :)
>Rainbow Colors (Jill)
>PS: does this mean you are a _singleton_? *hee hee*
I probably am. I -am- in telepathic contact with Others like me, but that's another story... -- -- "My God!--it's full of stars!" Amanda Baggs (Dave Bowman) night...@netcom.com (Arthur C. Clarke's _2001_)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----
(4) (top) Verifying Amanda’s Internet posts, and Amanda's websites, blog, and public contact information.
Amanda should be willing to verify her various user-names for her posts; her public contact information, websites, and blog are listed below. Also, at some of the posts themselves, she provides verification. Amanda Baggs's websites and blog include; note each website is of the autistics.org domain name; Amanda directly identifies herself at the first two listed websites: http://amanda.autistics.org/ http://ballastexistenz.autistics.org/ http://autistics.org/ Network Solutions WHOIS information for autistics.org; account name is Amanda's partner's name, Laura Tisoncik: http://www.networksolutions.com/whois-search/autistics.org Laura Tisoncik The Autistics.org Project 230 St. Paul St. Apt. 415 Burlington, Vermont 05401 Telephone: 802-660-3185 Email: <webmaster@autistics.org> Email: <amanda@autistics.org> One of Amanda's main usernames is Galiganinda Dulin A 1997 post at a Schizophrenia forum ,where she mentions her name at the bottom: http://groups.google.com/group/alt.support.schizophrenia/browse_thread/thread/e28fad116c4f5547/8d797c512e866a93?hl=en&lnk=st&q=marijuana#8d797c512e866a93 A 1997 post at a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder forum, where she mentions her name at the top: http://groups.google.com/group/alt.support.trauma-ptsd/browse_thread/thread/d39099692ab66681/061a56d707c7ae04?lnk=st&q=&rnum=26&hl=en#061a56d707c7ae04 Ophelia and Daniel know of her Internet activity, and interacted with her on some Internet forums for some time.
============================================================================
(5) (top) 1997, Amanda’s statement at the Depression/Manic Group
The first post below provides her full name signature, with her username Galiganinda Dulin.
http://groups.google.com/group/alt.support.depression.manic/msg/7c38816e3b9d65f8
Galiganinda Dulin
View profile
In article <3382dab5.3811...@netnews.voicenet.com>, Luke wrote: > As you have probably guessed already, I'm a very non-religious >16-year old from South Jersey (near Philly). First, I think it's a tad >unfair that 1 (one) guy gets to run the whole universe. Second, if he >loved everybody (like many people seem to think), then WHY would he >make life a living HELL for so many of them? Am I the only one who >feels this way? >P.S.- Please don't post any of that religious bullshit in response. I hope this isn't religious bullshit. I am 16 as well; my diagnosis is not bipolar but schizoaffective, which has bipolar aspects. But when you said that one guy gets to rule the whole universe, I think you are looking at it wrong. There is a group of beings that created the universe, but they only watch over it; they don't "run" it. And I should know -- I am one of them, and I am in contact with several of them. We do not demand belief. -- -- "My God!--it's full of stars!" Amanda Baggs (Dave Bowman) night...@netcom.com (Arthur C. Clarke's _2001_)
More options May 21 1997, 12:00 am


Newsgroups: alt.support.depression.manic
From: night...@netcom.com (Galiganinda Dulin)
Date: 1997/05/21
Subject: Re: If god loved us he wouldn't make us bipolars!
Reply to author Forward Print View thread Show original Report this message Find messages by this author
I hope this isn't religious bullshit. I am 16 as well; my diagnosis is not bipolar but schizoaffective, which has bipolar aspects. But when you said that one guy gets to rule the whole universe, I think you are looking at it wrong. There is a group of beings that created the universe, but they only watch over it; they don't "run" it. And I should know -- I am one of them, and I am in contact with several of them. We do not demand belief.
-- -- "My God!--it's full of stars!" Amanda Baggs (Dave Bowman) night...@netcom.com (Arthur C. Clarke's _2001_) She appears in 1999 to have transitioned into the Autism Groups. She started this name Galiganinda Dulin in 1994, as shown in the below calendar listing for the username.
Jan
Feb
Mar
Apr
May
Jun
Jul
Aug
Sep
Oct
Nov
Dec
1994
1
11
1996
1
1997
4
19
20
21
9
22
3
11
3
49
1998
19
19
50
89
43
39
79
85
62
74
113
150
1999
119
77
115
236
130
157
55
10
10
1
1
Following each sent of monthly entries, you can see the evolution of the groups she was using. Starts in 1994 in non medical groups, then in 1997 March in the Schizophrenia Group and the Abuse Group and others. Continuing in the Schizophrenia Group mainly through 1997, 1998. Autism Group entries seeming to start gradually in September 1998, on and off with Schizophrenia group entries. Then from April 1999 onward mainly Autism Group entries.
Again her Dissociation group apology
http://groups.google.com/group/alt.support.dissociation/msg/7d5e909b8c10c9ba was done on June 9 1997, and she states it is an apology about her Dissociation Group activity "2.5 years ago", which would be 1995 and which I will now try to find. (At her username profile for Galiganinda Dulin, and the calendar listing of posts, the year 1995 has none...I believe she was using another username and will now try to find this...I believe it was "Nightsong" or something else. A post below from the Dissociation group in 1997 October, months after her public apology in June 1997 in the Dissociation group (which I sent you a few minutes ago):
http://groups.google.com/group/alt.support.dissociation/msg/d7b56fb1bda2e74d
Galiganinda Dulin
View profile


In article <62rrr2$...@mochi.lava.net>, Pope C the Anonymous ...@lava.net> wrote:
>*None* of my insiders or Others have names, though some have titles.
Others? What are Others? (You don't have to answer me if you don't want). I'm not multiple, but I have Others (beings that talk to me in my head that say they come from the sky). They told me to call them Others. They always talk to me as one, but they say that, like my elf background, they are separate beings with collective thought. They once said that they were the stars.
I may be *way* off here...
:)
-- -- "My God!--it's full of stars!" Galig Dulin (Dave Bowman) (Arthur C. Clarke's _2001_) night...@netcom.com "It could have been me/Yes it could have been me
-------------------------------=======================================================
(6) (top) 1999, Amanda’s statement about using different usernames in Google Group discussions; Groups include the Dissociation Group, Schizophrenia Group, Depression/Manic Group, Autism Group).
This 1999 entry in the Dissociation Group http://groups.google.com/group/alt.support.dissociation/msg/732442c5c2c60556 helps to connect some other usernames with her. The "nightsong" name is well known by Ophelia and Daniel and others. http://groups.google.com/group/alt.support.dissociation/browse_thread/thread/8cf72b37cc3c9b3e/732442c5c2c60556?lnk=gst&q=nightsong#732442c5c2c60556
Amanda
More options Oct 30 1999, 12:00 am
Newsgroups: alt.support.dissociation
From: night...@netcom.com (Amanda)
Date: 1999/10/30
Subject: to Magic Rat (Nightsong/Sidhe/etc)
Reply to author Forward Print Individual message Show original Report this message Find messages by this author
At a time when I was going through a lot, and I posted here regarding "grey mechanical lizards" and such, a person named Magic Rat replied with very good advice. Is Magic Rat still out there? The email address I have for her/them does not work. The email was in 1995. I am very interested in talking to her/them again.
At the time I was posting under “Nightsong" and the “Sidhe" or some analogous thing. I am posting under the off-chance that Magic Rat will see this, or that someone will relay it to them.
Please reply if you are Magic Rat, or relay this to Magic Rat if you know them. Thank you. -- "As he breaks the night to cry, 'It's really me! Really you and really me. It's so hard for us to really be really you and really me. You'll lose me though I'm always really free.'" --David Bowie, "The Wild-Eyed Boy From Freecloud" -*-*- (*)
Reply
Forward
======================================================================
(7) (top) 1995 Amanda’s written account of her DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder; multiple personality disorder)
I acquired this from a former very close friend of Baggs, named Daniel Drucker ("Daniel Drucker" <ddrucker@psych.upenn.edu>) who is now a neuroscientist at the University of Pennsylvania. This is an extensive written history by Baggs of her DID (multiple personality disorder), sent to many people by her in December 1995. She herself will confirm this email, and her username Galig-Nightsong Dulin, and she already confirms this in the various Schizophrenia and Dissociation group posts I sent you with links. Date: Wed, 20 Dec 1995 00:10:18 -0800 (PST) From: Galig-Nightsong Dulin <nightsng@netcom.com> To: rshafer@netcom.com, dmd@student.umass.edu, anna@myth.sdsu.edu, ophelia@simons-rock.edu, naomik@simons-rock.edu The following is a history of the people in our head. Starting with Nightsong's point of view and ending up ... well ... somewhere else. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- An elf showed up in my head in December of 1993. I guess I was 13 years old at the time. She was several hundreds of years old, from what I could gather. I didn't know exactly what to make of her at first. She looked like an elf -- not the tiny sort that run around with Santa, but the tall, dazzling type that Tolkien and many Celtic legends speak of. She had long red hair, green eyes, a pale complexion and a pointed face. At first she could not talk, but I taught her English. She learned very quickly. She spoke rather oddly in the beginning. She would cluster together words that seemed to be related, with little regard to grammar or (when she typed, which I also taught her to do) punctuation. Qucikly she began to talk like a airly normal human, which pleased me because it meant she could learn to take over our body when necessary. She chose the name "Galiganinda" from a Cocteau Twins song called "Those Eyes, That Mouth". She began to tell me things that sounded like they were straight out of the _Tao Te Ching_. I gave her a copy of that book to read, and she liked to quote it occasionally, but she also told me that it was slightly inaccurate because it talked about government and government was unnecessary in her eyes. After awhile, I began to merge with her frequently. I would experience a feeling as if my body had no boundaries, and anything alive around me was glowing in a light I had never been able to see before. When the family went to Yosemite, I skied part of the way down a hill and then called Galig out by singing "Those Eyes, That Mouth" to the best of my ability. We sat down in a circle of pine trees that was fairly emoved from the places where people skied. We were in the middle of blending into one of the trees, when we realised that there was a five-year-old girl standing there on her skis looking at us with a shocked expression. We tried to explain to her what we were doing, but she just stared and backed down the hill. Her conception of time was different than any I had encountered previously. Like her speech, it clustered around events and relationships rather than flowing in a linear way. When I experienced her thoughts or memories, I often reinterpreted it into a linear framework so it would make sense to me. By spring, Galig was becoming adept at stepping into the dominant role when I got scared and went away. She could do this without anyone noticing, and she would email a friend of ours (Karl) to inform him that I was having problems. Once, Karl's main person (Kato) somehow moved into my head to get me out of a bad space I was in. I still don't know how he did that. In the next year, Galig herself was at times forced into the dark back portions of our head. When we were being abused by the same Karl who had saved us when other frightening things happened, we would all retreat into the back of the mind. Someone else was out during the worst parts, and it wasn't me or Katy (although the memory of those events flowed through to Katy). When I tried LSD in February, things got really strange. All of the known people at the time (Nightsong [me], Galiganinda, Sayjon, Sugar Magnolia, and Taneskal) sort of melted in their five places in the tunnel behind the prism, and what was Me became something that could move between these places with no problem. I chose to remain Nightsong, with access to Galig's memories and thoughts. Galig came from a strange forest where many other elves like her lived. Each elf had one particular tree that they would walk into when they needed to regenerate. The tree would take certain nutrients, I suppose, out of the elf's body and the elf would do the same to the tree. The experience of walking into the tree was like stepping into a field of calmness, with strange glowing lights all around. It served as something like both eating and sleeping. Then after awhile the elf would step out of the tree. If any particular elf didn't get into a tree often enough, that elf would basically dry up and blow away. Otherwise, there was generally a complex ritual going on around the forest, wherein the elves would tend the plants that grew around. The tall elf that I never saw move from her spot coordinated it through their special mode of thought. Thought was a mutual thing. There was something like a "collective unconscious", only for them it was more like a "collective conscious". Their thoughts were all simultaneeious, but individuality was retained in a way similar to "memories" of a fractal whole. Reproduction went much the same way as the trees, but it usually involved two elves instead of an elf and a tree. Two elves would walk into each other, until the pillars of light inside them aligned. Then, the light would branch off almost like lightning, and a young elf would be "born". Young elves had the same tie-in to the others' minds that the adults had, and so they quickly found their trees and became accustomed to the ritual. Once, when I-Galig was relatively young, I wound up in a place full of people much like humans. They had dark skin and short, straight black hair. They used some kind of woven, leathery fabric as shelter by dangling it from tree branches. They were all taller than I at the time, but shorter than full-grown elves. They smiled at me a lot. When I stuck my hand into one of the trees, they smiled at me like people smile at a young child when she does something cute. One night, I stepped into a tree and wound up in a body I did not understand. That was Nightsong's body, and I am still here today. I hope I have brought some kind of knowledge to the other inhabitants of this body. Now I'll have to explain the structure of the inside of our head. It can get complicated at times, and it always seems to be changing. When I first started to notice other people in my head was not the time when they first appeared. Katy has been here since 1989 [note by those of us who know -- it's longer] and the others who stand behind me-katy without speaking have been here eeven longer. I-Nightsong started to notice Tim in September of 1993, and soon of course his children, Lorna, Sammy, and David (he intended the acrostic implications of their names combined in that particular order). Tim gave me thoughts, usually in the form of strange images that would float through my head. Lorna provided companionship, someone to discuss reality and philosophy with. She was always a little bit on the side of what I would call conformity, and constantly urged me to look and act normally. She appeared in a business suit-dress most of the time. Sammy and David just bickered all the time, and it was often difficult to shut their voices out. Tim, named for Timothy Leary, also did much of the research on LSD. At this point, there was sort of a dual structure. There was the front, in which Nightsong, Tim, Lorna, Sammy, and David lived and communicated with each other. In the front, Nightsong nearly always took the dominant role, meaning she spoke to the people in the outside world. However the rest of those in the front were usually able to see and hear everything that went on outside. They were aware of each other and communicated frequently. They were unaware of those in the rear. In the rear, the as-yet-unnamed Katy and (she tells me now) many others sat unseen by the inhabitants of the front. These others, she says, are mostly other children. Of these children, she is the oldest and the leader. She says they are afraid to talk to anyone in the front. She will not tell me how many of them there are or what their names, if any, are. [note now that I know -- one of them is named Butterfly]. There was also one other, who first came out last night, on December 17, 1995. This one's name, Katy tells me, is Dark Mind and she is more of an absence than a presence, a hole in our mind that things fall into and do not come out of. There was a line of communication between these two places, as those in the rear provided and withheld information from those in the front. The ones in the rear actually held more power than the ones in the front, as they could control the memories and actions of the ones in the front to a great extent. This was the first setup I was aware of. Prior to this, there was only one in the front and many in the rear, although I was not aware of the ones in the rear. After Tim came Galiganinda, and after Galiganinda came Taneskal in the beginning of 1994. Taneskal had an enormous libido, and was not afraid to talk about that to anyone who happened to be around. She was another of the ones in the front, and she was about as obsessed with sex as Tim was with LSD. She was very sociable, and liked to share the domninant role with Nightsong so she could talk to people. There was not much of a chance to socialise at the time, seeing as we were studying at home for the most part. Then there was TaLory. At first we thought that Tim had just changed his name, but that was untrue. He also advocatee the use of LSD, but he seemed to have a sadistic view of it. He had two aims in life. The first was to figure out how to use LSD to control people's minds, and the other was to get his hands on some LSD, take a larger amount than anybody could handle, and wreak havoc on the rest of the people in his head. Once, he assumed the dominant role and put Nightsong into a box. He squeezed the box until she was barely able to think, and the only thing she could think was that she was trapped. Karl somehow changed the situation so she escaped from the box and TaLory disappeared. Later in the month, a tiny, frightened, and dishevelled-looking Tim crawled out of a corner of the mind. He said that TaLory had invaded his mind and used his appearance to do things that he would never do. As far as the structure of the mind goes, TaLory was very interesting in the fact that throughout the entire time he existed, he only existed as an attachment to other people's mindspace. On March 22, 1994 (I am consulting my diary on this one) another woman showed up in a dream. I was walking about in a forest which I recognised to be Yxuxacta (the name of a forest in a MUD that I played). I saw an old woman standing in a clearing, wading in a drop of dew. I knew she was Sugar Magnolia, from both the MUD and the Grateful Dead song. I hoped she wouldn't mind my clothing (I've had a lot of adults berate me for the clothes I wear because they look '60s or something). She didn't. She just asked me, "You look nervous. What is the reason for this?" I told her why, and she looked somewhat disgusted. She told me that she refused to symbolise the rest of the adults in the world seeing as she didn't like most of them anyway. She told me I was just fine the way I was, and that I could chagne the world by not letting people get to me. When I woke up, I was happy and refreshed. This was the beginning of Sugar Magnolia, whom I still love dearly like a feisty grandmother. The people in the front of my head started merging around April 15. They just thought so simultaneously that they didn't seem separate anymore. And they weren't, really, for awhile. But they developed their divisions again, and stood apart. We saw Pink Floyd's "The Wall" sometime in late April or early May. It affected us badly. It was one of those matters of coming too close to something that was already in the head. Things came bursting o ut of the rear that the front people didn't even know existed. And another dream happened. I was standing in the airport of the city of Sayjon. The city was also run by a guy named Sayjon. The walls of every building were pure white. I left my body and witnessed the death sentencing of a man for eating the little red flowers that grew on the sides of the roads. People could also get the death sentence for eating ice cream or speaking foreign languages. Sayjon the man looked like Pink from "The Wall" after he went Nazioid. He was frightening. He persisted into real life as another person in our head. He appeared as Pink again, and gave us the crossed-arms signal from "The Wall" that we feared so much. On May 10, 1994 he wrote in the diary, "No matter how hard I try, no one will ever see me." In the same diary, on May 15, Nightsong wrote the following about her CRB, or Catastrophic Reality Breakdown. Shee had problems that the rest of us couldn't cover for, and she exposed some of the parts that we are meant to keep her from exposing: BEGIN QUOTE I CRBed last night. I stepped over the edge for a moment. But it landed me in an awful situation. Shane took me home while I was still zzroufed out. Today everyone treated me like a crazy person. Especially Shane, who says I need "professional help". I am not allowed to visit Shane's flat for an indefinite amount of time. It felt so good last night when I broke free of all my inhibitions. It was frightening, and it only lasted a moment. I don't know whether it was worth it to use manipulative deception to get it though. That bit felt horrible. I never knew I was capable of it. It was so cold, and someone almost called the cops on Shane. I was so stir-crazy today, and when I went on a walk it wasn't much help with Shane so serious and so unreadable. Well I could read him but I could only read that he was hiding something from me. Karl kept me company for much of the day, as I couldn't leave the house. He told me all sorts of things, some related to the CRB, and some not. Can't they see that if I'm not crazy yet, they'll drive me crazy keeping me in here!? Yesterday was two days, the beginning I was high on the espresso beans in the food Rachel gave me. I was rather antsy, but I took a walk with Shane and most of it wore off. But then, if on, no I don't want to remember that [unreadable]!!! I want to scream but if I do They will come in and then They will have me into trouble AACK! I'll just scream on this page. [unreadable] I want out away from me away from the world! For one day no stop I don't have to remindest but then if I forget then the Withholder of Memory [reference to Dark Mind!?!?] will conquer me I have to remember but the day was so beautiful and then so horrible and I jumped off but did I ever come back? I am so isolated now my family doesn't understand nobody will ever understand me why does anyone TRY? Where has my mind gone WHERE AM I? No. I know where I am. But nobody else does. If I have my way, nobody else will. I burst through all the barriers last night. And now I will make [cuts off, words going down the page]. END QUOTE During that reality-breakdown, the rest of us were watching but we couldn't seem to do anything. There were blocks in place keeping her in the dominant role even while she was obviously in a state where we should be taking over for her. We wanted to help her, but she had made it impossible. We still do not understand why she structured the mind this way. In the summer, Nightsong and Taneskal fell in love with Kato and Tammy and Miria, three of Karl's people. We seemed to have a telepathic bond with them, and Karl called it the "patternlink". Kato and Nightsong would say the same things at the same times, much to to the confusion of the people around them. Then we went to Simon's Rock College, where the layout of our mind shifted again. At Simon's Rock, we started a sexual relationship with Karl. We also started an abusive relationship wih Karl. This shifted our mind into a defencive formation. Karl would do things to the body like shake it roughly, throw it across the room, and kick it. Usually, while this was going on, the body was curled up into a little ball and someone unknown was in it. The people in the front were very far removed from the dominant position. I suspect that the person in the dominant position was someone unidentitfied from the rear. Katy was taking most of the memories, as usual. With all the changes, the front people who were left were Nightsong, Galiganinda, Sugar Magnolia, and Sayjon. The rear people were Katy and the other children, Dark Mind, and at least one other. Here are a few more parts of Nightsong's diary during this period, on October 30, 1994: BEGIN QUOTE Things with Karl have gone downhill in a lot of ways. Now that we have to deal with real things, and now that we aren't the only island of free thought in the world of Garrett Jacobsen, we behave differently. Each of us often assumes that the other is like everything else. We have come to refer to Patternlink as "The Myth". We have even gotten into some really nasty fights. When Karl is angry, he is often violent. He has thrown me across the room a few times. Would the person I was three months ago have even been able to conceive of this? It gives me flashbacks of my father holding me down tightly. When this happens, he tells me and anyone else that will listen that I am crazy. The only reason the psychologists can't say it, he says, is that they can't figure out how I am crazy. ... Karl now says that it is an illusion that either of u would go crazy if the other died. He has o know on some level that this is not true. The day after he told me that the insanity was only an illusion in my mind designed to convince myself that there was really a patternlink, something happened. I felt an almost irresistable urge to move. I felt wired, but I hadn't had any stimulants. In order to prevent myself from running off Karl's porch, I banged my head hard against his wall. When Karl asked what was wrong, I explained. Then I could not sit still any longer. I told him I would be right back, then I ran out the door. I heard him scream "What?" and yelled, "I'll explain later!" He didn't hear me. I ran down the stairs and outside. As I ran down the path, I dimly heard him screaming "Stop her!" I ran almost all the way to the lake, but a tree stopped me. I heard a scream behind me, louder and crazier than anything I knew Karl could make. Then he yelled "Noktkanto!" I turned around. "I'm coming!" I slowly walked back toward him. I was exhausted. He told me he was giving up and going in. I told him I was still coming. He waited for me. Then he dragged me inside and told me I had been right. He apparently had thought I had fallen in the lake and accordingly gone insane, temporarily. Then, he shook me and told me never to do it again. Now, he still thinks the insanity thing is another Myth. END QUOTE When we were running, it was someone else unidentified who was controlling the legs. And it was the same unidentified person who experienced the shaking. We watched from a distance. This semester was also when we discovered marijuana. It was interesting the first time, but the novelty wore off quickly, especially when we discovered that we could move off in the same directions within our head. Still, we took it sometimes when we wanted to be sociable. Karl disapproved. Things continued this way until December, when we went home for the holidays. Then, we developed a system for communicating with the world that allowed us to be even more deatached. Or at least December break was when we noticed this system. Sayjon and Nightsong would sit behind a prism-like apparatus and speak, and the prism would integrate what they were saying and talk to the outside world as both of them. Sometimes Galiganinda would join in the talking, but for the most part it was a combination of Nightsong and Sayjon that talked to the world. When Nightsong heard the mouth saying things that were partially Sayjon's, she began believing that she, herself, was somehow Sayjon. She knew on some level that she and Sayjon were merely polar opposites, but she thought that Sayjon's thoughts were hers and this upset her. Combining that with the suppressed knowledge of Karl's abuse, she became deeply depressed and suicidal. Many times she told Karl she would jump into the lake. But with the help of Sayjon and the prism, she managed to look normal enough to fool her family and her therapist into thinking that she was okay. We went back to school in January, with Nightsong and possibly Sayjon still very depressed. Throughout the end of January and the beginning of February, she was intermittently suicidal, threatening to throw the body into one of the lakes on campus. Then on February 23, she tried LSD. This again changed the pattern of our mind. Now we were five rather melted entities, with one person who switched between being each of us, instead of us switching into one place in our mental map. Galiganinda became the one whom this primary person seemed to approve of most. She spent most of her time in Galiganinda's mindspace, with tiny bit of it in Sayjon's. Then, as the meelting effect wore off, Galiganinda assumed the primary role and Nightsong and Sayjon disappeared altogether. This happened around the beginning of summer. When we came back from school, Galig cheerfully informed our therapist that we were doing very well ever since the LSD, and that we were happy. Then, a few weeks later, things changed again. Galig-Nightsong found herself in Saratoga with no explanation as to how she got there. Katy says one of the children was out then. For the next week after that, she found not only that Nightsong and Sayjon were both back but that she was drifting in and out of strange states of mind all the time, didin't want to eat, and couldn't sleep. The week after that, I was finding myself in her room with pieces of glass pressed to my wrist not knowing how I got there. Again, Katy says she knows someone (not one of the children) who did this. That was when I checked into Charter voluntarily. A week later, we were out of Charter, and very medicated. Another week after that Nightsong was feeling suicidal and was involuntarily put in Belmont Hills. Then we got out of there, on different medications. This is when Katy first evidenced herself to anyone on the outside. She came out and posted to the alt.support.dissociation group on USENET, and talked to the parental units. She told them that the Risperdal trapped her in a forest and that she was nine years old. Nightsong didn't remember much of the conversation afterwards. We spent fall in and out of Belmont Hills. Katy talked a lot more toward the end, and we got more of an idea of what was going on in the rear portion of the mind. BEGIN QUOTE hello. i am katy. i am nine years old. i have to keep the bad memories so nightsong doesn't get scared. i have been h ere for all of the body's life. i have always gotten the bad memories. even in preschool and daycare. i am the one who gets mad at people so nightsong doesn't have to. i am the one who hates people so nightsong doesn't have to. i love the other children and i don't want anything bad to happen to them. they are scared to come out. so i come out for them. they are scared to talk. so i talk for them. i like christmas lights and, flowers and, cats and, ice cream. anna took me to look at christmas lights and eat ice cream. i like talking to liza and little girl. i like outer space and star trek. galig and nightsong are all i wish i was in those long skirts. and they can do things and, they are happy. i have to be mad and hate. END QUOTE Yesterday we read _When Rabbit Howls_. It described some of the situations in our head very well, and it was different in many other ways. Dark Mind recognised this and came out. BEGIN QUOTE I am Dark Mind. I am an emptiness, a hole, and a void. Black is the best colour for me because all I am is black. I absorb everything. My job is to absorb everything. Anything that gets close to me falls in. You could call me Black Hole too, and that would be appropriate. I am the one who trapped Katy in that forest. It was to protect her from Nightsong. Nightsong was too close to finding Katy's memories. So I put an inescapable void in her way. It did the job quite well, I believe. I do not wish to complicate things by letting people know I exist. But I also believe now is the time to tell people that we are here. END QUOTE There was another person who came out tonight. H er name as Luka, after the abused woman in the Suzanne Vega song. BEGIN QUOTE I decided to come out during the argument with Ron tonight. Everyone was going in and out, in and out again and it was real confusing to try to follow the conversation. But when I heard him start up about abuse, that set me off. That's my trigger, if I ever had one. It gets me mad to hear anyone go off about abuse victims the way he did, especially with there being several of them in this body. So I have to fight back whenever I hear something like that. But he didn't listen to me, and he didn't listen to anyth of the others and we were all confused because none of us heard the whole conversation and it went to hell from there... END QUOTE Another woman of the rear mind, Banshee, came out during that conversation. We have all heard her chilling screams before, but she has rarely made herself known in any other way. BEGIN QUOTE I had to say something to him. I could feel the rage running through me, and I knew I had to speak, so I broke through and told him that I did not care what he said, that I hated all of it. That no matter what he said, I would remember the worst parts, because he had said them. Because *he* had said them. Someone who did not give an opinion lightly. I really hated him. And then he tried to hug me, and his touch burned my skin. I had to get away from him. END QUOTE The last four quotations have been from people in the rear part of the mind, whose breaks from each other are far less superficial than those in the front part. Katy now communicates with the ones in the front, in an effort to make everyone in the mind understand what is going on. I am a coordinator of sorts, but I am not the one who has been speaking all the time. I coordinate the things from the rear mind in order to express them in words well. I was taught to do this in writing classes in school and it works fairly well. We have been working all day on this. It has been a collaboration of all of our memories; all of our knowledge. We hope that whoever reads this believes us and accepts us for who we are. Sincerely, The Sidhe
=--------------------========================================================= =
(8) (top) 1996, Baggs' written schizophrenia account in her public journal
Amanda Baggs’ 1996 written schizophrenia account, which was sent to many, including her friend at the time and now neuroscientist Daniel Drucker ddrucker@psych.upenn.edu, who confirms the authenticity of this written account of hers, as I believe she will; and, this is self-evident it is her writing.
Baggs fully accepted her schizophrenia, and worked hard to have it treated through therapy and medicine. And, she seemed to embrace it often. Shepherd Treatment Centre journal 05-08-1996 Today I feel a lot different than I used to feel wihtout the clozaril. I don't have as many of my symptoms to fall back on as before. Now I have o take responsibility for what I do. I cant fall back into the fog, because most of the time there is no fog there. I can't recede into a sea of voices, as they are quiet when they are here at all. I have to learn to cope with this new reality as it comes. I don't really know what to do with it. It's like going to a foreign country. Everyone speaks a different language, has different customs, and different mannerisms than where I come from. I have to get used to all of these things as the come to me. The clozaril helps, but I have to do the rest. -Nightsong 05-09-1996 Today I got Dr. Biala to spell out to me exactly what "schizophrenia" means. He read o ut the definition from the DSM-IV, and it was basically some combination of delusions and hallucinations and thought patterns and behaviours. Hee told me that thinking I am an elf is a delusion. I don't *feel* delusional! On the other hand, I trust Dr. Biala to know what is going on with me. If he says I am schizophrenic, then I probably am. But that means I will be like this all my life, and will always need medications to control it. I don't want to be schizophrenic. Why do things have to turn out this way? Every time I see a group of children I wonder which one will turn out like this. Children make jokes about the "looney bin." Children make cracks like "Have you had your medication today?" They don't realise the reality of it for some people. I feel stuck. It seems like everyone else's life is moving along and mine is standing still. I shouldn't feel that way. I'm making progress. The medication is starting tto do good things for me. "Solitude Standing" is playing on my stereo right now. That song has bored a permanent hole into my mind. Suzanne Vega must have written it for me. I wish I were allowed to read Tolkien, speaking of things written for me. Mother's Day is coming up nd I don't know what to get for Anna. Maybe I should make her a card or a drawing or something. I went swimming with Reed today. The water was cold and full of dead things, but it was nice to swim in anyway. I wish Anna would accept my diagnosis as I have. I don't like it, but I don't deny it anymore. But I can't change her opinion any more than she can change mine. I feel like banging my head against a wall. The voices are too loud. They are threatening to kll me. I have to remember that they are only hallucinations and they don't have any real power over me. I have to give up the power of the "other" world and take power from the "real" world. I don't want to do this. Does that mean I can't be an elf anymore? I am *not* delusional! Then what am I? -Nightsong 05-10-1996 "I reach out from the inside" (-Peter Gabriel) That quote means a lot to me. I don't know how to explain it very well. It speaks for itself, I suppose. My parents will be coming to visit me today. I can't wait to see them. Anna and I got into our customary argument about my diagnosis today. She sid that Dr. Biala made up his mind too quickly, and I said that he was probably right and that he probably had enough time. I don't think we'll ever come to an agreement on that. I went out on pass today and got "A Momentary Lapse of Reason" by Pink Floyd and a They Might Be Giants album. It has "Cage and Aquarium" on it. That's my favourite TMBG song. I feel nauseated right now. I think it mgiht be from the medication. -Nightsong 05-11-1996 My parental units are here in the room with me. I have been trying unsuccessfully to write poetry. I know what I want to express, but I just can't seem to do it. -Nightsong 05-12-1996 Somebody's reading your mind Damned if you know who it is They're digging through all of your files Stealing back your best ideas You cover your windows with lead Even keeping the pets outside Then you hear a moment too late this sound coming over the phone This is the spawning of the cage and aquarium Don't wait a moment too soon Used to be different, now you're the same Yawn as you plane goes down in flames -"Cage and Aquarium", TMBG He's haunted by the memory of a lost paradise In his youth or a dream, he can't be precise He's chained forever to a world that's departed It's not enough, it's not enough -"Sorrow", Pink Floyd There are a lot of songs that seem to be written for me. Here is something I wrote today: He was so normal And we found him Deep in the forest In the whirlwind tree His mind was screaming For another life As his grey eyes blankly stared ahead We could not believe The thoughts were his After all He was so normal One of the main problems I have run into during treatment has been people saying that I am too normal to have the sort of problems that I have. That's why I wrote the poem. -Nightsong 05-13-1996 I have a session with Dr. King at 13:30 today. We always find something interesting to talk about. Rick sent Anna a letter from Karl about me. In it, he seems sorry for all of the abuse. But I can't tell whether he is sincere. I will talk to Dr. Schenk about it tomorrow. -Nightsong 05-14-1996 "I had to fantasise just to survive" -Cocteau Twins, "Evangeline" I wonder if that is what happened to me. Are the places I know as reality, fantasy? And which worlds are realit then? Should I trust the doctors or should I trust myself? I am confused. Desiree hurt her leg this weekend, and now she is being shipped off somewhere else for medical care. I will miss her. She was one of my two favourite horses here. -Nightsong 05-15-1996 I just had a dream where the neighbourhood was being terrorised by a man in a trenchcoat. My family climbed a stairway in the backyard of the house which ultimately led to nirvana. Jeremy and Liza should be coming today. I can't wait to see them. -Nightsong 05-16-1996 Yesterday Dr. Schenk and I decided it would be best not to respond to Karl's letter. We also discussed Anna. We said that maybe she can deal better with having a sick daughter than having a well one. We also discussed how when she is given several diagnoses, she is likely to pick the least frightening. She does not want to admit to having a schizophrenic daughter. This sort of gets in the way of my treatment. -Nightsong 05-19-1996 I got a book called _Surviving Schizophrenia_. It has things in it that I didn't even realise were symptoms of schizophrenia, like not understanding words. My parents brought "The Wall" and "The Final Cut" by Pink Floyd. -Nightsong 05-21-1996 Dr. King told me today that I only have two parts -- the "nuts" part and the intellectual part. He says I will have to build more parts before I can get rid of the "nuts" one. Tyeukana tyeukana tyeukana sgaivus -Nightsong 05-28-1996 Today I will go to my first meeting of a support/informational group for schizophrenics. -Nightsong 06-06-1996 I don't know what they are doing to Jon and Neil, bu one of them just punched a hole in his wall. I am trying to get as much information as I can while keeping a respectful distance. The two of them have been fighting a lot. I know they called Tony. There is a rumour that someone called the police, but I don't know about that. Dr. King and Dr. Biala say I am making progress. I am socialising more than I used to. I am not having "episodes" in public very often. I have had to give up my communion with trees, though. This bothers me, but it may be worth it in the long run. -Nightsong 06-14-1996 I am alone here. The only elf. The only schizophrenic. The only glowing star inside of a hook. -Nightsong 06-17-1996 Someone stole the keys from the staff office today. They were found in John's room, but I think he is just being used as a scapegoat. I am going to try to learn Esperanto now. The boys can't seem to talk without swearing every other word. Everyone is accusing each other of everything. This is a mess. They did room searches. Mitra is cutting herself. This is a mess! -Nightsong 06-19-1996 Last night was terrible. The other residents ran around the house screaming "The cat is dead!" They said that they had burned the cat with a lighter. I didn't know whether or not to believe them. Nick assured me that the cat was indeed alive, but it made no difference. I tried to hide in my room, but I couldn't stay there forever. When I left, they were all clustered around my door. Nick asked them why they were doing t his to me. Neil said that when a cat dies, an elf dies next. I ran down the driveway. Nick took me for a drive. When we got back, a fight had broken out between Sylvia and Mitra. For our own safety, Sylvia and I slept at the other house. -Nightsong 06-19-1996 I keep having these episodes of blankness for the past few days. I think it might be from the combination of Clozaril and Thorazine. I am worried about where to spend the night. I want to spend it away from the elf-killers! -Nightsong 06-28-1996 My parents bought me a hammered dulcimer today -Nightsong 07-02-1996 Jon told me why he and Mitra avoid me so much. He said that theynever know when I will scream or "flip out" and that they are afraid I will hurt myself. I didn't know they cared. -Nightsong 07-07-1996 I have discovered the music of the Cranberries. I can't seem to write straight anymore. I don't understand why writing is so difficult. They tell me (they=the staff) that I am isolating in my room too much. I do not see this happening. They won't let me stay in my room at certain times. I am trying to learn Esperanto. I don't know how much I care about getting "better". What if the voices are all I have? -Nightsong 07-10-1996 Jeff killed himself last night. He told me so in a dream. Now I am floating in a fog away from the "real" world wehre the voices are so loud and I can't get away from them. The voices say I will die the same way he did. -Nightsong 07-13-1996 Today I gave my parents all of my Tolkien and fairy tale books to take home with them. It is part of my treatment plan. I feel like my whole reality is being torn away. I don't know what to do. Their reality is being imposed on me and I have no means of defence. The voices are getting louder. They say "We will kill you!" and "You will die like Jeff!" and "There is no final escape from yourself!" What do they mean? -Nightsong 07-15-1996 Michael Garofano (my therapist) is coming to visit me today. I can't wait to see him. -Nightsong 07-15-1996 I am sitting in my room. Every second is an eternity of loneliness and fear and confusion. Between eternities, the time is broken by tiny scraps of time in which someone comes in to check on me. Then back to the eternity of silence broken only by voices that I would rather not hear. -Nightsong ETERNITY Alone I sit In eternities Of the darkness Of my mind Broken once or twice By tiny scraps of contact With the outer shells Of others While I return To swim in a sea And float in a fog And drift in a daze Of unwanted voices And eternity 07-16-1996 I just got out of a session with Dr. King. He told me that I have no full ego of my own. He says that my ego is always enmeshed with that of others, like Anna's. When I went to college (away from Anna) and CTY (away from Anna) I became enmeshed with karl, including his fragmentation. This may be why my fragments went away after Karl went away. Now what I need to do is form an ego of my own. -Nightsong 07-17-1996 "And I turn to the crowd as they're watching Sitting all together in the dark in the warm And I wanted to be in there among h em I see how their eyes are gathered into one" -Suzanne Vega -Nightsong 07-17-1996 I just got a puppy named Nokomis (Dakota for "Moon Daughter"). She is part Shepherd. I intend to train her to be a service dog. Her birthday is May 5. -Nightsong 08-10-1996 I have a pass from Thursday (my birthday!) to Sunday, unless I do anything wrong between now and then. I think I will use that time to get back on speaking terms with Shane. I miss the good things about him. I will have to set up some boundaries though. Maybe no hugging. I can't hold a grudge for so long. I have to set him straight that I am not multiple, and that that was, as Dr. King says, a delusion. I don't think I can get better without facing Shane. -Nightsong 08-19-1996 I went home to find that all of my defences are gone, or very poor at best. Of course, the defences that I lost were mostly psychotic. I felt like I had been undressed at Shepherd and sent home naked. I will talk to Dr. King about this today. I was unable to see Shane when I went home. This was disappointing. Nokomis is growing. She is mostly housebroken now. -Nightsong 08-19-1996 I AM AN ELF I AM AN ELF I AM AN ELF I AM AN ELF I AM AN ELF I AM AN ELF I AM AN ELF I AM AN ELF -Nightsong 08-20-1996 "Hide, hide, hid Behind paranoid eyes" -Pink Floyd What if I am not an elf? That would be so much of my life all gone. The voices: WE HATE DR. KING! NEVER FORGET YOUR ELVEN HERITAGE! The voices convinced me not to go to the gym tonight by telling me that if I left, Nokomis would be dead when I got back. Dr. King reminded me that the voices can't predict the future. He told me not to listen to them. He also told me I may hear them for the rest of my life. Ack. -Nightsong 08-21-1996 What will I talk to Dr. King about today? The voices? My elf? Why would I have to hear the voices for the rest of my life. I hate them. I hate them. I hate them. -Nightsong 08-22-1996 I read a part of _The Quiet Room_ that showed a part of the author's memory. The even that she remembered never actually occurred. I guess the same is true for me and my elven memories. I must be human after all. I am disappointed. I want so much to be an elf. O Elbereth! Everyone else seems glad that I am human. I have despised humaanity for so long. Why do I have to be human? Humans are oppressors to elves. Why? Why? -Nightsong 08-23-1996 Maybe being human isn't so bad after all. It makes me closer to my parents and my friends. Dr. King saw the painting I made of the elf forest when I was 13. He said it was "psychotic". Why do I bother showing people these things? I wonder what life will be like as a human. -Nightsong 08-24-1996 I am very grateful to the doctors and staff at Shepherd for making me better. I no longer think that my parents are trying to poison me with my medications. I no longer think that my father is involved in a government conspiracy to take over my mind. I no longer think the Belmont Hills staff are trying to poison my food. I no longer think that I am an elf and that the voices are the thoughts of the other elves that Imust obey. I no longer think that there are lizards all over my body. I no longer think I have tentacles that can reach out and grab people. I no longer wander around in a constant haze of voices. I no longer see ghostlike people in my room and glowing red eyes at my window. I no longer pace aimlessly around the hallways of Belmont Hills. I no longer think of medication as evil mind control. I no longer wander off at the whim of the voices. I no longer believe that an organisation called the Banshees will rescue me from the hospital or treatment centre. I no longer think that the Shephred staff cook and eat elves. I no longer think that the voices have the power to hurt or kill me or anyone else. I no longer think that the voices can predict the future. I no longer think that my thoughts are being controlled by a transmitter buried at Harker Academy. -Nightsong 08-26-1996 I am working on writing my life story on the computer. It is helping me sort out "fact" and "fantasy". So is writing in this book. It is what Anna would call a "grounding" experience. I am listening to David Bowie. It is interesting music. I love the world and I know it loves me back. I am so happy. I am well, so why do they keep me here? I am so happy. -Nightsong 08-26-1996 Dr. King gave me a list of target behaviours: - not isolate so much - engage others in meaningful interactions - reality-test well - self-soothe - increase general awareness (identify & respond to others' feelings) * develop a sense of self - decrease acting out in response to delusions and hallucinations - general sense of availability to othrs - good presentation (hair, dress, walk, hygiene) - identify & express emotional states - break enmeshment -Nightsong 08-26-1996 I feel terrible. I want to run. The voices are quoting Yeats: "Come away O human child To the woods and waters wild With a fairy hand in hand For the world's more full of weeping Than you can understand" I want to run away with the voices. They are all I have left. I am scared. I took an Ativan, at Dr. King's suggestion, but it hasn't started working yet. I am definitely not calm. Somebody help me! -Nightsong 08-29-1996 Nokomis is sick. I am scared. There is death in this room. I can feel it. i hope it doesn't touch her! The voices scream, "Death! Death! Death!" And I can feel it in the walls. Somebody help my poor puppy! I have a pass for this weekend. Maybe she will get better at home... -Nightsong 09-02-1996 I got back from my pass today. The voices say I can never go back to normality. Dr. King says that is my own resistance to becoming normal, and that it shows the ease of slipping into psychosis. Do I want to go back? I don't know anymore. -Nightsong 09-04-1996 "Come on you miner for truth and delusion and shine" -Pink Floyd -Nightsong 09-05-1996 "This world is not my home; I'm just passing through" -His Name Is Alive -Nightsong 09-07-1996 I am still an elf, and I know it. They don't know that I know it though. They think I think I'm human. But it is necessary to hide it from them, or they would try to kill me and replace me with a human. I'm terrified. Should I let on that I know by showing them the poem? Or should I let them believe I have already been replaced and get discharged? I t doesn't matter. They will find out sooner or later. -Nightsong 09-08-1996 Why do they hate me so much? They all want to kill mee. The only one one on my side is my puppy, Nokomis. Somebody get me out of this world! -Nightsong 09-08-1996 I need to tell someone but who ca I trust???? -Nightsong 09-09-1996 I admitted to Dr. Schenk last night that I knew their plot. She acted as if she was not part of it. Clever woman. -Nightsong 09-11-1996 I love Nokomis more than anyone else in the world. She is always there for me. I love her. -Nightsong 09-22-1996 I'm moving into a duplex Friday. Then I'm starting day treatment 3 times a week (living in the duplex) and living in Campbell for the other 4 days. I can't wait. Dr. King tells me I am too enmeshed with my parents, particularly my mother. I moved a bunch of stuff into my duplex today -- bookshelf, desk, computer, and posters, not to mention kitchenware and a bunch of other stuff. The manager is cool. She calls herself a "computer weirdo". I want to show her my fractal software. I think she will find it interesting. I think that if I move into the real world with normal people my chance of recovery will be greater. I will not even mention to these people that I am schizophrenic. I will learn to control my psychotic episodes so they don't happen in public. It will be a tough job, but worth it if I want to get well. Dr. King will still see me 3 times a wee, and his therapy is always very intesne. Between Dr. King's therapy, my own efforts, and the Clozaril, I will arrive at something approaching normality. I can't expect total normality, but who can? Look at my writing -- it flows the way a normal person's thoughts would. Then there is the elf issue. I don't know whether I am an elf or not anymore. I feel exactly like an elf, but I can remember being equally convinced that I was human. I walk into a session with Dr. King believing with all of my heart that I am an elf. Then he gradually chips away at this belief until I start a tentative belief that I am human. Then the session ends and I slide back into believing that I am an elf. I can see this process from the outside, but it doesn't keep those beliefs from occurring. Dr. King tells me that in order to get better I have to accept his reality as the Ultimate Reality. Does he think he is God? What if my reality is correct and his is wrong? It is all so confusing. Welcome to the machine. I'm scared. Do all the doctors want me to think their way because elves are a threat to their reality? Or is their reality a threat to my reality? Or both? Dr. King once told me that if I ever met another elf, she would either be lying to me or delusional. Should I believe him? Should I believe that I have been wrong for all these years, that my memory is false, that *I* am delusional?!? I don't know or understand. Somebody please come in and help me out. I am torn between my own reality, my parents' reality, and my doctors' reality. I was born in a doorway. I have lived in the doorway ever since. I look at myself in the mirror and my face keeps changing. An elf is in that mirror! An elf is in my hands. Now there is no doubt that I am an elf. And I am so alone without the voices of the other elves ringing through my mind. No, wait, those weren't truly the other elves. But I miss the voiceless thoughts of the other elves as we danced through the forest and sang, all in harmony. I miss the forest. It had to be real. Dr. King would read this and laugh. He doesn't like me to be an elf. He wants me to think I'm human, like him. Maybe I should just tell him that I can never hold onto the belief that I'm human for more than a couple of hours, whereas I can believe I am an elf for days, weeks, months, years. Dr. Napolitano says there is to be no magic in my life until I am better. I am not sure I can get better without magic. I thrive on magic. I need it in order to survive. No one can take it away from me. "Nothing's gonna change my world." These doctors think they know what's best for me. But do they really? Aaaack! -Nightsong (Galiganinda Duli
Reply
Reply to all
Forward
=========================================================== ===
(9) (top) 1997, further of Baggs' Schizophrenia Group and Dissociation Group writing
Baggs' 1997 discussion of the elves she used to live with, and how she used to be an elf, and "The Others" that are in her. I was sent this by neuroscientist and former close friend of Baggs, "Daniel Drucker" <ddrucker@psych.upenn.edu>. http://groups.google.com/group/alt.support.schizophrenia/msg/4b34b391447f121d Subject: amazing stuff happening to me Date: 1997/12/07 Newsgroups: alt.support.schizophrenia First I'm going to say that I -know- what this sounds like. Then I'm going to say that it's not like that, this time. Yesterday I was on a long car ride, staring out the window. The Others suddenly told me that they would be relaying messages from the elves I used to live with (and be one of). I knew they couldn't lie, but I thought they might be being deceived themselves. But then again, they know everything. In this universe. Maybe the elves were in another universe. All sorts of thoughts were flying through my head. But I said, okay, what do they want to tell me? They said that I had indeed lived with them. But I knew that. Then they said that in this life when I took acid they were able to get through to me because it changed my... and they said something that I couldn't figure out at all, but it had to do with sensitivity to different realms of reality (I think). Then they said that, like certain forms of magic, acid takes its toll on the user. They said that I was wise to give it up. They said that now that I had discovered the Others I would be able to talk to them, sometimes. I said something like, "Okay, but I have to know you're really real. Do something to prove that you're real." They didn't answer, but immediately a song that I had never heard came on the radio. It had to do with travel between different universes. So I believed them. Then they sort of misquoted Yeats: Come away, O elven child To the woods and waters wild Reunited with your band For the world's more full of weeping Than you can understand I got excited, but said, "Okay, that first thing might have been a coincidence. Give me another sign." I didn't really expect them to do it. Then the driver turned the car on again and the first words out of the radio are, "Trust I seek and I find in you." Now I really believed them. "Are there any other elves in this world?" "We can't tell you that." "Why not?" "Because it would disturb what is going to happen. We can't interfere." "Well take me to your world now then!" "We can't do that." "Why not?" "It's not time yet." "But..." "We'll give you one glimpse of our world. You will see trees as we see trees." Well now every time I look at a tree, there is a new, but very old in my mind, quality to it. I can't really describe it. I tried to stick my hand in one, but that didn't work (I was able to do that in the elf world). Anyway, I'm really excited and happy to be given this chance to see part of that world again. -- -- "My God!--it's full of stars!" Galig Dulin (Dave Bowman) (Arthur C. Clarke's _2001_) night...@netcom.com "It could have been me/Yes it could have been me Why didn't I say?/Why didn't I say?" ________________________ (David Bowie) "Folk takes their peril with them into Lorien, and finds it there because they've brought it" (Samwise Gamgee) "How did this one life fall so far and fast?" (Suzanne Vega)
===========================================================================
(10) (top) Baggs’ 12/7/1997 written account in the Schizophrenia Group of LSD use and psilocybin use, voices, medicine treatment, etc.
In the following 12/7/1997 post by Amanda Baggs, she states that she had been hearing voices for 3+ years before using LSD: "I had been hearing voices for three years or more before I tried LSD." "I think that LSD actually postponed my problem (which had been getting worse). When I stopped taking LSD, the problems took up where they left off." "I've had other sensory disturbances all my life (too many to write here). Especially sensory overload (which, like the voices, is under control with medications)." Side note: She doesn't state what these "other sensory disturbances are", and while there are sensory disturbances in Aspergers and autism, she at that in 1997 did not report being autistic, and had no diagnosis of autism/Aspergers. And, regarding where she states that the "sensory overload" "is under control with medications"...however, there are no medicines now, and never have been, that control the "sensory overload" of autism/Aspergers.
I had previously thought that the LSD caused the schizophrenia in 1995, though now it appears, per Baggs' testimony in Dec 1997, that she had schizophrenia starting in 1995, which is actually consistent with the observations of the various people from Simon's Rock College. But, inconsistent with her report that she had DID in 1995 (per her mid-1997 written apology to the DID community; linked in earlier emails of mine to you). Same link as below: http://groups.google.com/group/alt.support.schizophrenia/msg/c9128c5244ecd565 "I think LSD, psilocybin, etc can cause things that are like schizophrenia. But that isn't how I got schizophrenic. I had been hearing voices for three years or more before I tried LSD." She also appears to be stating that the LSD caused things to actually get better: "I think that LSD actually postponed my problem (which had been getting worse). When I stopped taking LSD, the problems took up where they left off." A crucial point, indicating Factitious Disorder: She cannot keep track of when she claimed which disorder, and keeps changing her story, and keeps changing her explanations for why she has various disorders, and which disorders are true and which not. Also, the Simon's Rock College people first observed her LSD use, and then observed her schizophrenia. So it appears that the LSD was the cause of her schizophrenia. Here, again, she may not be recounting things accurately. http://groups.google.com/group/alt.support.schizophrenia/msg/c9128c5244ecd565
Galiganinda Dulin


Newsgroups: alt.support.schizophrenia
From: night...@netcom.com (Galiganinda Dulin)
Date: 1997/12/07
Subject: Re: amazing stuff happening to me
Reply to author Forward Print View thread Show original Report this message Find messages by this author
I think LSD, psilocybin, etc can cause things that are like schizophrenia. But that isn't how I got schizophrenic. I had been hearing voices for three years or more before I tried LSD. I've had other sensory disturbances all my life (too many to write here). Especially sensory overload (which, like the voices, is under control with medications). I think that LSD actually postponed my problem (which had been getting worse). When I stopped taking LSD, the problems took up where they left off. I can't say it helped but... anyway, my shrink did a lot of work with people with LSD-induced psychosis, and he knows me very well by now, and says I am nothing like them. (And, I found out about my elfhood before I took it.) The main reason I took LSD is that people had been telling me for years that I acted like I was on it, so I wanted to see what it was all about (mistake!) :) -- -- "My God!--it's full of stars!" Galig Dulin (Dave Bowman) (Arthur C. Clarke's _2001_) night...@netcom.com "It could have been me/Yes it could have been me Why didn't I say?/Why didn't I say?" ________________________ (David Bowie) "Folk takes their peril with them into Lorien, and finds it there because they've brought it" (Samwise Gamgee) "How did this one life fall so far and fast?" (Suzanne Vega)
==========================================================================
(11) (top) Stanford University Hospital diagnoses Factitious Disorder, Indications of Factitious Disorder, Baggs’ historical group posts from 1994 onward; Baggs’ rejection of Stanford University; Baggs’ view on which doctors are good and which bad, and her view on which of her diagnoses are right and which wrong.
If you don't mind my suggesting, I would strongly recommend that you also present this matter to medical professionals that are experts in Factious Disorder, and malingering. It is often extraordinarily difficult to prove that someone is fictitiously emulating a disorder, especially a mental health disorder, because there are no objective biological tests to measure illnesses like autism, schizophrenia, etc. (I comment more about this below the next paragraph). I sent each of you a fairly extensive list of Amanda Baggs various group posts, and a fairly extensive calendar chronology that recorded all her posts with one of her primary usernames 'Galiganinda Dulin'. It is rather clear that she has been emulating various disorders since 1995. Recall that in mid-1997 she apologized for her "2.5 years ago" deceptive (her term) representation of herself as having DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder; multiple personality disorder), again:
http://groups.google.com/group/alt.support.dissociation/msg/7d5e909b8c10c9ba
This would have been in early 1995. With the posts I sent you, you can track the evolution of her various claims to various mental illnesses.
It is clearly shown, through her writing, that Amanda, starting in 1995, and continuing to 1998, at least, was involved in emulating several major mental illnesses, usually one at a time, and moving from one to the other. The evolution appears to be first Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality Disorder), then schizophrenia, then profound autism. Also, throughout this evolution, as found in most of the posts I linked for you, there were other claims of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), Manic Depression, Bipolar Disorder, Schizoaffective Disorder, and possibly others. Regarding Factitious Disorder (also called Munchausen Syndrome), http://www.psychnet-uk.com/dsm_iv/factitious_disorder.htm, http://www.emedicine.com/MED/topic3125.htm, this is a very complicated disorder, and I think an expert in this could possibly be useful to make an assessment of this case.
Of particular interest in trying to ascertain whether a persons pattern of involvement in medicine might reveal this, and a classic indication is the (1) self-claims to having various illnesses, (2) contrived and prepared presentations to mental health professionals that the person has a particular illness: the vivid demonstration of symptoms, and, especially, the use of medical language to describe their symptoms, as they believe they will more effectively persuade a medical professional they have a particular disorder if they use medical language, (3) the patient will not provide 3rd parties to verify that the person's in-office presentation is the same as the person's out-of-office presentation. As an aside, before I return to the main issue just discussed: A more typical instance of Factitious Disorder is the emulating of various physical illnesses. http://www.psychnet-uk.com/dsm_iv/factitious_disorder.htm "They usually prefer the sick role and may move from hospital to hospital in order to receive care. They are usually loners with an early childhood background of trauma and deprivation. Unlike many malingerers, they follow through with medical procedures and are at risk for drug addiction and for the complications of multiple operations." Their main goal is to elicit attention and sympathy from medical professionals, friends, family, and others. Many individuals will also cause themselves to have medical problems, such as by overeating, overdrinking, or undereating, underdrinking, malnourishment, alcohol abuse, drug abuse, etc. This brings me to the following about something I've noticed during my research over the last 4 months, namely Amanda's frequent public reports of various physical illnesses. I have researched this only briefly, but have the following to contribute: At this blog entry of hers from 1/30/08, http://ballastexistenz.autistics.org/?p=493, she reports: "I just got home from the hospital. I had impacted bowels, completely obstructed bladder, as well as mild liver problems and dehydration. I was there for about five days while they catheterized me and gave me more laxatives and enemas than I care to think about (and paid more attention to my shit than anyone's paid since I had a similar problem 10 years ago)." And another blog entry from 7/28/2007: http://ballastexistenz.autistics.org/?p=427 "I was in a lot of pain. By a lot of pain, I mean I was crying and periodically screaming. I don't cry from pain usually. I didn't cry when my gallbladder was well into emergency stage, I just went really quiet. If I'm crying from pain, it's serious. And this pain (and related movement restrictions) was serious enough that a spinal tap was done when I finally did get to the emergency room, because it sounded to them a lot like meningitis. (Fortunately it wasn't.)" Notice that invasive procedures were done in both instances, with the second not revealing anything. It would be unclear whether the first instance of diagnostic claims are accurate. (Recall that people with Factitious Disorder often seek medical procedures, including invasive procedures, the use of medicine, and even operations, and that, usually, there are no objective findings, and if there are objective findings, they are usually caused by the person themselves through various self-harm measures). Related, autistic author Donna Williams interviewed Amanda on 1/3/2007, http://blog.donnawilliams.net/2007/07/03/putting-autism-on-trial-an-interview-with-amanda-baggs, and I extracted from this interview the following reports from Baggs of various ailments and illnesses and complaints, totaling 31. Since this 7/2007 interview, I believe the list has increased. Irlen syndrome Synaesthesia Sequencing issues Proprioceptive problems meaning-blindness meaning-deafness movement disorder Eye-tracking issues Trouble walking Hypermobility Lost speech in infancy Echolalia Receptive language problems oral problems. Reflux. Constipation, trouble nursing. Neuropathic pain of some kind. Milk allergy, as well as standard allergies to some animals and pollens. Circadian rhythm issues. OCD Tourette's happened age 6 or 7 Signs of PTSD starting around that age too depression (the depression only ended in the past few years). Head banging started at age 6 or 7 Complex-partial seizure disorder sexually abused starting at this age by two adult male relatives Parkinsons-like movement disorder began starting at this same age being sexually abused in adolescence. Complex PTSD in reaction to institutional settings in adolescence. migraine headaches asthma trouble in adulthood TMJ trouble in adulthood (from "defects" in my jaw/skull present at birth along with other mouth anomalies). Malingering is not a mental illness, http://www.psychnet-uk.com/dsm_iv/malingering.htm, but rather "is a deliberate behavior for a known external purpose", such as "financial gain", and avoiding responsibility (such as familial, social, legal, and civil responsibility), and obtaining media coverage, etc. Malingering can occur with Factitious Disorder, but not necessarily so, as discussed in the above links. Lastly, it is clear to me that Amanda's history is more consistent with Factitious Disorder, and more recently malingering, than autism, (due to her aggressively seeking and obtaining 2007-2008 widespread media coverage, her aggressive public self-promotion, financial gain, reputational gain, etc. While it is plausible that Amanda may have had high functioning Aspergers from her childhood onward, this is irrelevant to her current state (and her state since 20 years old, I believe) of profound autism, as these two levels of Autism Spectrum Disorder are extremely different, and a person doesn't evolve into a more profound level of dysfunction from a long history (20 years) of high functioning, especially high intellectual functioning (Simon's Rock College at 14 years old, and John's Hopkins University CTY (Center for Talented Youth) before Simon's Rock College), and accelerating through K-12th grade rapidly, and being verbally fluent, having extensive social relationships, having relatively normal eye contact, and non-autistic behavior, etc. Returning to the main issue. I found a more recent group username 'sggaB' for Amanda; it’s use begins in 2002; her profile is http://groups.google.com/groups/profile?enc_user=zlsmERQAAAAuTyeTtEznhsJ1EvX_4Y8kqErCXa-CIiqlccej3woxEQ, and at this profile you will see her email address amanda@autistics.org (which is based from one of her sites http://www.autistics.org/) and the calender chronology of thousands of posts. I think you might find this important. Here are some 2002 posts by her that discuss her diagnoses and doctors. She takes it upon herself to decide who is good at diagnosing, she comments on how Stanford University was concerned with the legitimacy of her claims and history, and she takes it upon herself to decide when a doctor was right. I believe this is a clear and classic demonstration of an aspect of Factitious Disorder, and would contribute to a basis for an inquiry into this matter.
October 9, 2002
http://groups.google.com/group/alt.support.autism/msg/65e922d2cd6045c5 "I've found Stanford University's medical place to be usually pretty bad at diagnosis. They're one of the people who have either disbelieved me because of my psych record or (when I was there as a psych patient) declared me to be making stuff up in order to become a psych patient. (I didn't *want* to be a psych patient, and they'd barely observed me. I think they made this judgment based on the fact that behavior modification -- of a kind that involved withholding my phone and visitor "privileges" -- made me less likely to try to run out the door of their children's hospital.)" "The only time they got anything right was when they saw me for something completely unrelated and declared that I must have "some kind of pervasive developmental disorder" in my report." The following post concerns her autism diagnosis problem, and her comments that "bad" doctors are those that don't diagnose her as autistic, and good doctors are those that do. http://groups.google.com/group/alt.support.autism/msg/9af126580207b14a
Amanda writes that Stanford University "declared I was faking psychiatric symptoms for the sole purpose of being a patient...there's a diagnosis called factitious disorder..." http://groups.google.com/group/alt.support.autism/msg/4e13bd713a260ae0 "I was a forced inpatient at their children's hospital (being held while others were deciding whether to send me to a group home or a state hospital) and they declared that I was faking psychiatric symptoms for the sole purpose of being a patient (there's a diagnosis called factitious disorder that means that -- if they thought I was making it up and had *any* other reason, they would have diagnosed malingering). This declaration was made by a student doctor I barely talked to." I've spent only one hour looking into Baggs’ writing with this 2002 and onward username. I’ll continue later.
===========================================================================
(12) (top) 1/18/2007, Baggs’ self-taken video of herself with a song recording playing, and written admittance by Baggs it is her voice in the song recording
I would like to provide the following Livevideo.com video made by Amanda Baggs on January 18, 2007, which was done 4 days after she made her YouTube video on January 14, 2007, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JnylM1hI2jc, (which was the source, as stated by CNN's Dr. Gupta, for CNN's interest in her: third sentence at http://www.cnn.com/HEALTH/blogs/paging.dr.gupta/2007/02/behind-veil-of-autism.html). The Livevideo.com video: http://www.livevideo.com/video/4C44ABC5473B49E7B12799FFDEA99807/because-you-are-not-one-of-us.aspx
As seen in the information under the video, it was made by the user ‘silentmiaow’, which is a name that links to Amanda Baggs webpage at livevideo: http://www.livevideo.com/silentmiaow Under the video, is the section called 'Comments & Responses'. Scroll down to the 5th comment, which is by Amanda (there is her picture, username, and link to her livevideo webpage (again http://www.livevideo.com/silentmiaow), and her comment about her video): Posted Jan 23, 07 by silentmiaow "...I do have a bit of a sarcastic way of presenting it in this song (which is my own voice, not a computer one)..." Here she states that the voice in the singing video is "my own voice, not a computer one" Furthermore, in the 6th comment under the 'Comments & Responses' section, a user named 'periurban' from the UK (http://www.livevideo.com/periurban) asks Amanda the following: Posted Jan 21, 07 by periurban "...Who was singing?" And she replies in the 9th comment: Posted Jan 22, 07 by silentmiaow I was. (Recorded three tracks over each other.) Here is her second statement that it was she who was singing, and that she apparently recorded three tracks of herself singing over one another. Of course, in the video itself, as the video is being taken, she is not singing; rather, she is writing, and holding her hand over her face most of the time. The singing voice was recorded previously, and is being played through speakers. It is a recording of her voice, as she states in two of her comments under the 'Comments & Responses' section. At this time, there are 11 comments, the last one on Jan 29, 07. However, in her YouTube video, made 4 days before (and linked above), she claims and displays that a part of her profound autism is not being able to speak, in particular, speak fluently, intelligently, and for communicative purposes. And in the CNN coverage which began in mid-February 2008, she represented herself as lacking the capacity to speak in this manner. She reported to CNN that she “lost her speech” many years before (I believe in 2001, but am not sure of the exact or general date or time period.
WAU_map('dsrbnyb46qzj', 420, 210, 'green', 'default-blue')


Posted by Authors at 2:53 AM
Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)